You’re Never Alone
We are never alone if we have the love of a good girlfriend
Editor’s Note: This post was originally written in 2018. I immediately sent it to one of my BFF’s Heidi. Since then, Heidi lost her struggle with CRPS* May 2019. This post is dedicated in loving memory of Heidi.
This post is inspired by my friend Heidi, who just sent me a message telling me you’re never alone, we always have each other. How comforting to hear her voice ring out a phrase that has hit me to the core. And you know what? She’s right. I am never alone, you are never alone. The good Lord has placed certain people in our lives for a very specific reason. We don’t have to do life alone; we have others to stand by, support, comfort us when we need it and give us a swift kick in the “arse” when we are stuck or telling ourselves we just cannot take one more step. Heidi, your words have inspired me to move off my anxiety and get with it. So, here goes. Why oh why do we give ourselves such a hard time? Why is it that women in particular do not reach out to their good friends and loved ones more for inspiration, support, a listening ear or a big hug (even a virtual one if there are miles in between?)
We as women somehow think we have to do all and be all to everyone. We often tell ourselves a story that we should be able to handle everything and that we are okay. Well, sure we are okay, but we could be better with the gentle hand of our good girlfriends. We need each other. We were made to support each other. God looks down on us and knows this. He is just waiting for us to take that extended hand from those who know us and love us the most.
My girlfriends, I mean the ones I go back with the longest (from Chicago and Rockport) are those who know me the best. They were right alongside me as I grew into my own person. We all struggled to find ourselves together. We experimented with life together and through that experience have built a bond that is no greater. Sure, many of us have gone on to get married or choose to share our lives with men, but I’m here to say that even the best of marriages does not compare to those who have known us “way back when.” This brings to mind the day my mother told me we were moving from a place I thought would be my forever home (Chicago) to a small seaside town in Texas (Rockport). I was speechless as I watched the words “move” come out of my mother’s mouth. I could not believe she would disrupt my life to move 2,000 miles away to a place I had never been and frankly at the time did not want to go. My mother and I were close, and I grew to trust her judgement in my life, since we had survived so much together in my young 14 years. Alas, we left on a week-long journey with all our pets and luggage in tow to South Texas. I will never forget the night before we left and how I and my good girlfriends spent every minute we could together before I had to leave the next morning (Nena, Tina, Michelle, Char, Deana). See, I had built a strong bond with these girls. They were there when I had my first kiss, my first drink of liquor (sorry mom and dad, it was a lot earlier than you thought) and they were there for every tear, every fear and every bit of adventure we created together as the southside girls. I just could not imagine life without these girls who I had known since I was single digits in age. Those were the early development years. And it was not easy to grow up in the city with parents who often worked more than one job to support the family. We were often left to our own devices to tough it out. And that we did, together. I think we grew up as survivors for this very reason. We had no choice. So, even though we had loving families, we created a bond together of sisterhood because even if we didn’t know it at the time, we desperately needed each other. We were never alone because we always had each other.
Fast forward to moving day, when everyone stood on the curb of my house on Rockwell vigorously waving goodbye and blowing kisses. That day is forever etched in my brain. I was lucky enough to have one of my girlfriends Tina go with me all the way to Texas, which softened the blow of leaving everything I had known up to that moment in time. So, again, I was not alone, I had my friend to brave the unknown with me. For that, I am forever grateful.
When my mom and I settled into our new home, it was time for me to begin the journey for a huge milestone in my life – high school! See, in the past I had envisioned attending an all-girls Catholic high school on the southside of Chicago. Not anymore! I was about to walk through the doors of a very small co-ed high school, unknowing of what the future would hold. Much to my surprise, I was greeted with so much attention and love. In fact, one of my very best friends to this day (Michele), chatted me up and welcomed me with open arms. At first, I was taken by surprise and thought who is this girl? Is she crazy? Why would she want to talk to me and learn about who I was? Although I thought walking into the school that I was all alone, again, this girl, took me in and walked with my fearful, unsure self. She made it easier for me to open up and know I was not alone. After that girl, came another and another.
From that point forward, the girls I came across met me with open arms to comfort and support me in learning about the new town I was in (Yvette, Carri, Debbie, Michele, Lucretia). I quickly let go of my anxiety and fear and embraced the new life I was now living. Make no mistake, I never forgot where I came from or my girlfriends, but my circle was happily widening to friendships deeper than I ever thought possible. Again, I was not alone. Over my high school years there were many more good girl-friendships I would develop (Heidi, Joyce, Kim, Regina, Laura, Andrea). All who have made indelible feelings of belonging on my heart.
With all the love many of us have in our lives through our girlfriends, why is it then as we experience life’s hardships, do we feel all alone? It’s a phenomenon I struggle with daily. I recall the moment my mom and I learned of her cancer diagnosis and we cried at the kitchen table together. Certainly, she and I were in it together, fighting for her life every step of the way. But as the days became long and the road very bleak, I remember feeling so alone. In reality, that couldn’t have been further from the truth. I had a sizable posse of fearless females all at the ready to help and support me. In fact, family can be good friends too. My cousin Karen (my mom’s niece) 10 years my junior has proven to be one of my closest confidantes in times of need. And she sure rushed to offer her love and support after my mom’s diagnosis. Ever since? We are thick as thieves and share our most valuable life lessons with one another almost every day.
So, what happens inside of us when we experience loss, devastation, pain, heartache? My best theory is that we recoil back to birth when we came into the world alone. It was just us. But wait! We were never really alone for we had God right there inside us and we always do. No matter the situation, we were ultimately loved by a set of parents, one parent, guardian or someone who wanted to care for us. Yet, when we experience pain in this world, we still feel alone. I think it’s human nature to feel that way, but we must be reminded that there are people out there who desperately want to love us and help us through. God did not create us to go through this life on our own. He wants us to have faith in Him, especially through the relationships we have built through our lives. As hard as that may seem to accept, we must open ourselves up to that love. And in my book, it starts with our deepest, long-standing relationships – our girlfriends. Husbands, boyfriends, a career, work colleagues, even children cannot replace or supersede the bonds we have with our girlfriends. God placed them on our path for a reason! For us to be in support of one another through this life.
So, how then do we let go of our need to control everything and do and be all to all people? With the help of our girlfriends, of course.
Here are my promises to myself that I’m inviting you to share in for your life:
1. To be okay with everything not always being okay. We are not meant to live perfect lives. We are here to experience, love, learn, fall, get back up again. It doesn’t always have to be all sunshine and roses and that is okay.
2. You are beautiful just the way you are. God did not intend for us to have the perfect life, the most beautiful body, the flawless face, the ideal job, the best mate. Let your true self be known and remember you are a shining star made perfectly in His Grace. Embrace that.
3. Allow your girlfriends to remind you of your greatness. These women love you just as you are. To my girlfriends: You are a shining example of beauty and love in every way!
4. Remember we all have our struggles in life. We all fall down! I can count at least 10 times this week, I have fallen. You do not need to be perfect. That is a story you tell yourself. Don’t get into the habit of comparing yourself, your virtues and your life to what others are doing and what they seem to have. You never know what insecurities, pain or anxiety others may have. Choose to love each other through it, not cast judgement. We are all spiritual beings having a human experience. Let us remember that and choose to share it together, openly and authentically.
5. Give yourself permission to let go. Let go of your need to always be in control, to always be “at the top of your game,” to always have everything in your life be perfectly aligned. Can we all just stop using the word “always,” in reference to our lives. We cannot be all to all people. And that is okay. If it means, choosing without guilt to take a nap in the middle of the day, then so be it. Do it. It may also mean opening yourself up to be vulnerable and real with others. We all need it, so let’s do it. We cannot be expected to be “on,” well-coiffed, well-spoken, all the time. Just let it go, for God’s sake!
6. Accept the help, once and for all. Girl, you are a magnificent human being. Really, you are. And for that reason, let yourself accept the help of loving girlfriends. For one day, they too will need your help. They may not ask for it, but trust me, they will need it. We all want to be helpful, supportive and loving of each other. The first step to making that happen, is to accept the help when you need it. Now, I know what you are thinking, if you are like me, you are telling yourself, “but I don’t want to put them out or be a burden,” “they have their own struggles to bear and I can’t take them away from that.” I am here to tell you, YES you can. Do it, now. Ask for the help you need. Be direct, clear and grateful. Because the other fabulous female on the other end of the phone line, text or email, wants to help you. In fact, their life depends on it. It makes us feel worthy and connected when we can help our girlfriends. Let us do it. Please.
7. Reach out through your pain, embarrassment or fear. Life throws us some serious curve balls. No matter how hard we try or love, sometimes we just cannot get through it. God has intended for us to support one another. We should not go it alone because “it’s the right thing to do,” or “it’s what is expected of me.” No! Pick up the damn phone and call her now! She is there waiting for you to reach out, pour out, give out. It’s okay and that, my girlfriends is what is expected of you. Grit your teeth through any anxiety you have about reaching out, particularly to those who have been through life with you up to now. It does no good to “tough it out” alone. Dear one, you are not alone! There are small and big ways in which we need the love and support of our good girlfriends. They will be there for us. Trust me on this. Two examples come to mind from my own life. After a presentation to an audience of 500 I did years ago, I was evaluated by a participant who tick-marked just how many times I said “um” during my presentation. I had prided myself on being a good public speaker, but I was new at it way back then. I was so embarrassed and hung my head so low. When I finally had the courage to tell my friend (the same woman, by the way who befriended me all those years ago in high school). She took one look at me and said “girl, so what, you said um! Move forward and go back and try again.” And so, the next day I was called back for an encore presentation and took all that good wisdom and advice and rocked it. Without her, I would have not become the public speaker I am today! Another heavier example of how that same girlfriend flew into Texas to help me with my dying mother. She would not take no for an answer, as hard as I tried. She paid to have my house cleaned to help take the load off. And you know what, she said it made her feel good to help me. Later that year, two other girlfriends (Robin from college and Yvette from high school) bonded arm in arm to painstakingly comb out all the cat hair from my wool rug that had collected over the months of my mom’s illness, just so my house would be ready and clean for the funeral service. And they didn’t even ask or bat an eyelash at the work to be done, but simply rolled up their sleeves and got to work. I have countless examples of the power of my fabulous female friends coming to my aid, unasked, unapologetic, just simply there to help me get through. So, let us make a pact, shall we? Reach out, early and often.
8. There is no such thing as perfect support. If you are wondering, like me how you can support your good girlfriends in need, wonder no more. Here’s my best advice and a reminder to myself: Just show up! You don’t need the perfect words, advice or accolades. Just be you. That’s what she loves about you. Be yourself, show up, listen with your whole heart and just be. Sometimes when we are going through “it” we just need to be still. What better way than to be still with a trusted girlfriend. Even if the two of you don’t say a word, just be in that moment, heart-to-heart; together.
9. Editor’s Note: Added to original post: Hug your girlfriends every chance you get for you never know when the last opportunity will be. Love you Heidi!
The blog is done! And why? Because I am not alone! I have the support and love of good girlfriends whose relationships have stood the test of time. I am forever grateful for each and every one of them.
*To learn more about Complex Regional Pain Syndrome (CRPS) click on the link below.