Living Courageously
For the past twenty years, I pick a word to live by for the upcoming year. Now that trend has become increasingly popular and there are even books written about how to choose your word. I suppose having a book to help you work through your focus for the year is helpful. It can be a long process of self-reflection and decision. But for me, the word starts brewing about three quarters of the way through the year. I’m already thinking about what my focus will be for the upcoming year. Since that’s not entirely the point of this post, I will leave it at that – it’s a process that should be taken seriously.
This year my one word? Courage! Certainly, behind the word stems a lot of meaning, but for now, let’s just focus on the one word – Courage. When I looked this word up online, several dictionaries listed this as key “the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face danger, difficulty, pain, agony, etc.” Really? So, you’re telling me I need to experience danger or be in pain to test my courageous chops? Well, that sounds unattractive, doesn’t it? So, I dug a little further and found such explanations as the ability to do something that frightens you. Still not what I was hoping for, but much more palatable.
This reminds me of an old quote I’ve heard over and over and reads something like “that which scares you makes you grow…” So, let’s explore just what having courage means, which may resonate with you as to why I chose it.
Courage in my estimation can run on a spectrum from large to small. For example, one may need to bolster their courage to skydive or scale a mountain for the first time. However, one may also need to find the courage to do something as seemingly simple as getting out of bed in the morning. Our minds, don’t discriminate the size of the task, activity or movement, it just knows that when something “scary” appears to a person, it should react to trigger the emotion of fear. Over time, we train our brains through repeated action to address and handle the fear in a different way. Through continuing to push forward and face the big scary thing, we over time increase our resilience to that big scary thing.
Let’s start with trying something new. For many of us, this fear probably began way back on our first day of school. That day we were “forced” to leave our comfortable home with the people we loved to go out into the big scary world of Pre-school or Kindergarten. Sure, as a young child we probably don’t have the internal dialogue we do as adults. However, the emotions are still there and have a great impact on how we behave. I remember a feeling rushing over me before going to school that first day. I wasn’t sure at the time what it was, but I knew it felt funny and caused me to want to stay at home in my mother’s arms. Fast forward a couple decades or more and those same feelings are still triggered when something new or uncomfortable comes across my life. You know the feeling! It happens long before the time to move and take action occurs. It triggers physical reactions such as sweaty palms, heart palpitations, heavier breathing and the list goes on.
For some of us, these reactions can be paralyzing, and we find ourselves unable to move. To compensate for this, our mind quickly tried to “repair” that feeling or “mask” that feeling from our consciousness by offering an alternative like crawling back into bed for example. So, to use the Kindergarten example, as a child we may run the other way and hide when our mom calls for us to head out to school.
As adults, it’s a bit more difficult to run in the other direction. Although somehow, we still find a way to run. We may physically run away from something that scares us, or we may bury ourselves back in bed, or we may engage in what’s called “avoidance behavior” doing things like cleaning the house, walking the dog, losing ourselves in an hour of social media, etc.
Let’s take an example of me launching a women’s online resource site. I’ve owned the url for over 10 years! I could leave it at that because I’m sure you get the picture of my decade-long anguish over starting something that I know will be wonderful. However, I kept denying myself the opportunity out of fear! And in reality, I was in turn denying others of a very useful tool that could help them.
Why did I allow 10 years to go by without doing anything until now? Where do I start? Initially, as with any desire, I started out with a gusto of energy. Then, life got in the way so to speak and slowly but surely it dissipated into the far-reaching corners of my mind. The ultimate in “back burner” placement of a dream. I told myself I was too busy, or had to take care of my ailing mother, or had to focus my efforts on my other business that was bringing in the money. Then, as each year passed, and I paid the renewal fee on the url, my life continued to expand, and that dream seemed to fade away further and further. My mom passed away, I was swept off my feet by an old high school love, I got married, moved, had two kids, moved again, expanded my business, moved again, and the list goes on. Yes, anyone observing my overly committed life would easily say, “oh she’s too busy to add one more thing,” or “she has it too hard to try to fit one more thing in.” And in fact, many people did say these things or something similar. Which helped me feel validated, justified even in the stories I told myself about not moving forward on an age-old dream. And I suppose I was justified to not try to fit one more thing on my overflowing plate. But see, that’s where I’m different than many.
I did not achieve the success I have or get through the tough times I did because I sat idly by and watched life just happen around me. I’m a driver and until the last 10 years have typically been courageous and passionate about taking on new and exciting endeavors. Something happened in me all those years ago that will take too long to write here. I will save that story of fate and survival for another blog. But for now, I will say that no matter what happens in our lives, only we control how we choose to respond to it. And unfortunately, at the time, my response was to bury my dreams so far down I almost lost them.
Fast forward 10 years, and I can slowly see my self resurrecting my dream. I haven’t lost it! And some desire deep down kept moving me toward paying that annual bill to renew the women’s url site. I hung on by a thread, but the point is, I hung on and did not let go of that dream. So, what’s happening now? I am moving forward, but not with ease – yet! I have to break down all those old molds and patterns I have grown so comfortable with. And you know what I noticed? I still have a very full life, although not quite as catastrophic as before. I am still telling myself the same stories and making the same excuses. And you know what? That’s okay. I will break through that! For example, since I have had kids, they are often the source of my inability to carve out enough time to get this website going or to write my blog or to, you fill in the blank. I love my kids and we spend a lot of time together, but let’s face it, young children can be all consuming. Until now, when they are quietly playing together in the other room. What? Yes, I just said that! So, what am I doing? Working on my blog and my website of course! Right? Wrong! I am using every opportunity to distract myself from doing the very thing I say I want! I’m texting and checking in on old friends, I’m doing dishes, folding laundry, checking social media and the like. I am my own worst enemy. Get a grip girl! You are squandering precious time that is fleeting! And fleeting fast! The boys are bound to be hungry soon and you will be back at it again!
So, what gives? What I have learned from all of this is that I am my own worst barrier to achieving what I want in this life. What God has meant for me to do! I will pretty much put up any excuse, distraction, or barrier to take myself away from focusing on what I know deep in my heart I am meant to do. I suspect, many of you do the same. So, how did we get this far with that mentality? How was I able to successfully make it through graduate school with a degree? Or launch my business and sustain it for 15 years now? And the list goes on. You have your own list too, I just know it.
So, how am I doing it now? A few simple reminders:
1. Set a goal. A big goal is fine, but to achieve that goal, it must be broken down into smaller, more achievable goals. I call them mini milestones.
2. Write down your small goals toward your big one. I choose to put them on my calendar to remind myself of what I plan to achieve.
3. Move. Take a step. A small step each day. For me, it’s writing a sentence or two. Then flow takes over and the ideas keep coming. Moving for many of us can also be choosing to take that first step; to get out of bed, to keep that meeting, to move our bodies. Whatever it is for you, just do it. Take that step.
4. Get support. Tell a friend, a loved one or a whole team of your goals. By making them public even in a small way we can make them more real and we now have others who will remind us of what we said we want to achieve.
5. Create evidence of your progress. Keep track of what you do or achieve every single day or week. Post it on your wall or mirror. Post it on social media if you choose. Get it out there so you create a picture of the fact that you are doing and being and moving toward what you want.
6. Celebrate. It’s important for you to acknowledge to yourself the progress you are making toward your milestones! Even if it is a small step, the fact is you did it. You moved and made it happen. For smaller achievements it can be something small that you do for yourself like your favorite sweet treat or an outing to see a movie. For larger achievements toward your goal you can increase the size of the reward or celebration. Making celebration a regular part of your journey you will continue to stay motivated and connected to what’s important in making progress toward your goal.
7. Remind/Inspire. We all need reminders along the way of why we chose to get on this path in the first place. It’s also nice to have someone or something remind us of our greatness. To achieve this, I recommend accessing a positive quote site like Daily Motivation or Soul Pancake.
Until next time, be well my friends and remember taking the first step toward your dreams and goals is the first step no matter how small.
Carrie Reed is personal development and leadership coach who facilitates workshops, retreats and strategic sessions designed to help individuals and teams discover, design and achieve their best in life (personally and professionally). She owns McHale Group, LLC an international consulting firm and is the founder of Women’s Wizdom site – a one-stop-shop for women to develop and explore their life’s possibilities in connection with other women. She is also founder of the Williamson County chapter of 100 Women Who Care – a philanthropy dedicated to providing service and funds to support local 501c3 organizations. She is the proud mama to two young boys with her husband and enjoys spending time exploring all the fun adventures this world has to offer.
“You get in life what you have the courage to ask for.”